Feeling Tough……?

And so the eerier glow of the Sat Nav lit up our intrepid competitors’ face as he negotiated the everlasting M5 northbound, his vehicle eating the miles as the roar of his vehicle engine drew him closer to the yearly pilgrimage to the Tough Guy Event.

It was the third year in succession that he had entered what’s known as the Worlds Safest Most Dangerous Sport, and in keeping with tradition he had stopped overnight at his parents house in Gloucestershire to have his washing done and a square meal, and before daylight broke set out on the seventy miles to Perton just outside Wolverhampton to Mr Mouses’s Farm for Unfortunates. The reason for such an early start was to get the prime parking space near the exit, as past experience had taught him, with 5000 competitors as well as thousands of spectators, the traffic leaving could be murder. He wasn’t disappointed, grabbing a prime spot near the exit gate!

With so much time to kill there was only one thing for it, a bacon roll and hot sweet tea, and a look at the Killing Fields that stretched down in the valley, made up of the numerous dangerous obstacles soon to be faced. Amazingly Mr Mouse the event organiser was even seen walking the farm grounds making early morning preparations. The first point of admin was to register as this year a new system was being tried of every competitor receiving his or her passport to heaven i.e. a photographic ID card. Also the Death Warrant had to be handed in signed, which was a straight forward slip of paper signing away all liability for any injury received doing the Tough Guy event. Once done, our competitor had his run number written in indelible ink upon his face – he was ready to go.

As the morning wore on, the grounds began to fill up with competitors arriving from all over the UK as well as a large contingent from the rest of the world. Our competitor returned to his car and got dressed in his vital kit, that being two pairs of gloves, one for warmth and one for grip, his wet suit hood for the forthcoming water features and of course his “Willy Warmer”, however today’s water temperature was going to be positively warm with an outside temperature of about 7 degrees. He cast his mind back to his first Tough Guy event with the water being –8 degrees C which had been colder than the Baring Sea. Imagine having “ice-cream head” multiplied a thousand times being so cold that it seemed your head was being squeezed within a vice and causing many runners to literally vomit after ducking under the surface.

11 am approached and he followed the rest of the field to the start line. The Tough Guy event is simple in that you can pay a premium to get front squad status, or if you have done the event before you are next as a “Tough Guy”. Next group are the “Wet Necks” i.e. doing it for the first time, and then teams and people who have entered late. With so many entrants its imperative to get off quickly to avoid bottle necks at the obstacles. Any one found wearing spikes were forcibly removed from the field and publicly humiliated by being placed in stocks. As the off approached, the field moved to the start line.

At 11am the cannon sound echoed and 5000 runners sprinted off, however several marshals were needed to protect someone's vehicle that had been parked right in the way of the thundering hordes.The first part of the course is known as “8 Country Miles” the idea being to tire out everyone before the main obstacles. Alas this year it was disappointing with the course being greatly reduced in length due to one farmer wanting money per runner to pass over his land and the course also being vandalised causing it to be much shorter than normal. The first obstacle was a killer known as the “Slalom” which was up and down a very steep hillside 12 times i.e. up 6 and down 6. By the end of this our runner was absolutely cream crackered, but then a further mile through woodland involved alternative cargo nets and large bales to vault over.

Next came the obstacles proper with first large pools of freezing cold water and vertical sheer banks to climb up to get out with cargo nets to crawl under. The idea of this is for the water to start sapping you strength early for the main obstacles. Very soon our competitor did not care who was shoving their hands on his posterior to push him out as several thousand other runners were waiting to exit behind him. Then started the Killing Fields where the spectators had gathered. A few six foot wooden walls to clamber over and then the came The Tiger, two massive "A" frame cargo nets. However between these were the Sting In The Tail, strands of electrified wire hanging down with twice the charge needed to stun a cow. As our runner went through he had to keep his expletives to a minimum knowing the public and small children were near by, as he was repeatedly electrocuted very painfully. There are too many obstacle to list here, however the highlights being Fiery Holes, bales of hay set alight, Vietcong Tunnels, concrete tubes so narrow and in pitch darkness that you literally have to inch your way through as there is no room to crawl, and almost impossible if you are claustrophobic. The Underwater Tunnel, where the freezing water kicks in, luckily our competitors’ wet suit hood came in handy to preserve some warmth. The greatest threat to runners is hypothermia, which takes out numerous participants each winter, however broken legs and arms and other appendages are also not uncommon. One secret found, is to quell that nervous wee break at the start and save it all to warm you up after one of the water features! Other obstacles was the Berlin Wall which is 40 foot high and you know that if you slip off when climbing down then its most likely a trip to the hospital, and also Dans Deceiver which is positioned after many of the water obstacles and causes cramp to kick in.

No-one has ever finished the course in its entirety as there are several ways to complete each obstacle depending on difficulty. Another quirk is to enter the ultimate Tough Guy ultimate tests which involve shimming along a top rope, tying your laces to it and then hanging upside down to kiss the Barney Stone. Also sitting in a barrel of water and biting through a electrified wire, and finally having your hands tied behind your back and standing in freezing water over your head for half an hour jumping up and down to gasp for air. Be rest assured not many people enter these events.

The day started with around 5000 entrants with just under 3000 finishing the course. Our competitor with a strong start managed 805th with a time of around 1 hour and 40 minutes. Luckily he received no major injuries but was a bit miffed that he lost his woolly hat in the Dragon Pools.

And so with the long drive back to Southampton, our competitor returned home clutching his finishing medal and all aglow in the knowledge that he had survived another “Tough Guy”.

Alistair Longworth